Children who display defiant, argumentative, and disrespectful behaviors can be doing so for many reasons, and often stems from a lack of being able to communicate effectively with parents. Parental approaches need to be multifaceted when dealing with these negative behaviors.
As children move through different emotional, social, and physical changes, the stress that these situations place on children can result in arguing, disobeying, blaming, and poor choices. In response to these actions and attitudes, parents might exert control and pronounce punishments. This does address the issue, but usually will not result in positive changes. These desired positive changes will often develop over time as children learn coping and communication skills from the positive reactions of the parents.
While the negative behaviors exhibited by children are often extremely frustrating for the parents, it is important to take a step back from the situation and assess what might be triggering the behaviors and possible approaches to improving them. In order to approach the situation with as much calm and positive attitude as possible, parents can do several things to open the lines of communication with the children.
An important first step to addressing the negative behavior issues is time. Even though lives are hectic, parents must to be willing and enthusiastic to spend time with children. During this time it is imperative be an active listener for the child without criticizing the child. It is not a time to lecture or try to persuade. Positive communications begin with many opportunities for open conversations, with little pressure on the topic or outcome of the conversation. Parents should not choose volatile topics when trying to create an atmosphere of calm listening, but should start small with meaningful, yet not divisive questions or prompts. Children who feel they are being interrogated and judged will not be open and may actually shut down completely, turning again to negative behaviors. Regularly involving children in conversations and communications gives them a sense of value.
As parents become better listeners for their children, trust is built along the way. Parents might be tempted to criticize the thoughts and opinions of children when they don?t understand them or agree with them. It is paramount, however, that children learn that it is safe to share these thoughts. Parents can learn to ask their children questions and not react in negative ways to the responses. This does not equate a parent having to agree with everything, but instead shows the child that the parent can be trusted to listen. At later times parents can share own personal thoughts on the subject without passing judgments. Children who feel punished for their thoughts and opinions when they differ from those of parents will be less likely to communicate on any topic in the future.
The practices and habits of creating atmospheres of trust and open communication will ideally begin at young ages within families. The earlier these methods are used, the easier they will become a natural part of the family. It is, however, never too late to initiate this parenting style and the benefits are worth the effort.
Children who argue and talk back often use these behaviors to try to control the situation or inflict some sort of pain or frustration. Reacting to these in equally negative ways by yelling, ignoring, or arguing will only cause the relationship to spiral in a negative direction.
Patience, perseverance, and time will eventually outlast the negative behaviors and lead to trust and stronger relationships. The best deterrent for negative and defiant behaviors is open and caring communication. Parents need to try to understand the enormous changes that children plunder through as they develop, then provide their children with soft places to fall and strong arms to help them through the maze of adolescence with positive behaviors.
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